I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
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