We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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