Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Michael Bay diarrhea
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
