allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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