Your mouth is God's brothel.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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