I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
And then my night got REAL pukey
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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