She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
