How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
