I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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