If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
