the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
