You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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