I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
two words: eviction party
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
