Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
did i walk over a car last night?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
