We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
