i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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