im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
