I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
drinking out of a sandbucket again
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
