Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
