I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
