i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Randomize