I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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