i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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