On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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