It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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