tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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