Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
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