I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
