So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
