If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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