She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
