Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
