i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
