If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
