textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Randomize
