I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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