Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
