Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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