I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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