He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize