Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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