Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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