sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
