i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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