I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize