i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize