I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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