Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
