Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
