i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
