dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
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