Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Just took my morning after pill in the library
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Randomize
