Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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