Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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