I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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