Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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