i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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