I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
