I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
