So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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