One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
